How to Reduce Conflict When Talking about Money with Your Partner

It's no secret that the topic of money can cause serious disagreements among partners and spouses. One widely cited survey found that finances are a major source of conflict for nearly a third of all couples.¹

 

Knowing how fraught the subject can be, that number is probably low. How each of us feels about money and believes how it should be handled have their roots deep in our upbringing. This means that a discussion about a seemingly trivial purchase can often be about much deeper issues and so trigger unintended emotions.

Personal finance expert Ramit Sethi, who's explored this dynamic with many people, says that when a couple has an emotionally heated conflict about money, they are often just continuing an ongoing argument that has never been resolved.²  "The point of money is not to accuse each other," says Sethi. "The point of money is not even to save it. The point of money is to use it to live a rich life."

So how can you talk about money with your spouse or partner without falling into the same old rut of conflict? Sethi recommends the following four steps:

1. Start with vulnerability: Express to your partner how you want to make a change in this area. And own your own role in the conflict.
2. Express how you feel: "When I think about money, I feel overwhelmed and scared. How about you?"
3. Express how you WANT to feel: "I want to feel confident about our finances. I want to feel connected on this. How about you?"
4. Finally, schedule your next financial discussion. Set a specific time when you'll have another candid talk about money. 

 

A big problem couples face when talking about money is that the discussion often focuses on a short-term issue, which when it’s perceived as a looming crisis, takes on far more importance than it should. One of the advantages of having a long-term financial plan (which sets out ultimate dreams and goals) is that it helps put money into its proper perspective. The whole purpose of earning it, managing it, and saving it, is to enable you as a couple to live a more fulfilling life. Money should serve you. Not the other way around.

It's important to talk as a couple with your financial advisor, so that each of you can have their questions answered and desires expressed. Then you can feel you're working together for a future that's financially secure and conflict-free.

 

 

1. http://go.pardot.com/e/91522/topics-money-conflict/96t6x8/2873922343/h/Pvtm4KVM9g5OAAcjUkzUmKQk7qAlz8T7IbvkoNMkZqk 
2. http://go.pardot.com/e/91522/n-talking-about-their-finances/96t6xc/2873922343/h/Pvtm4KVM9g5OAAcjUkzUmKQk7qAlz8T7IbvkoNMkZqk